There are moments in parenthood that break my heart. Most of those moments have come from Cameron. The first time that he told me that he plays by himself at recess, I was crushed. When he told me that a kid at school called him ugly, I wanted to march to that kid's house and punch him right in the face. And the times that Cameron calls and asks if he can come home from a friend's house because there's another kid there who isn't nice to him, I just want to wrap my arms around Cameron and tell him that life won't always be this way.
I had another one of those heart-breaking moments earlier this week when Ethan came bursting in the front door after school and breathlessly told me that Cameron had done something really bad. As it turns out, Cameron had been picking on a tiny, little first grade girl. Ethan told me what had happened during their walk home from school, and Cameron didn't deny it.
Cameron and I talked about it, about what it means to be a gentleman, a good guy, a defender and protector, or a bully. We talked about why girls need to be treated gently and with respect. We talked about why this had happened. Cameron didn't know. It just did.
I walked him to this little girl's home and he apologized for his behavior and told her it would never happen again. And then her father said that it has happened from time to time and they appreciated our coming over.
It had happened before.
I know that Andrew and I have taught Cameron better...or have we? I never imagined that we would have to sit down with Cameron and tell him that it's not okay to hit little girls with his backpack or knock them down and make them cry. I thought that in trying to teach our kids to be kind to everyone that we had covered our bases.
On the walk back home with Cameron, I told him how sad it made me that he would do something so cruel. And I thought about why we were there in that situation. Cameron is not the type of kid to physically hurt others, or wound their feelings intentionally. Why this little girl?
I wondered if growing up with three brothers has taught him that everything in life can be handled with a touch of violence and then we're all friends again.
I wondered if all those times that kids have picked on Cameron and teased him have left him feeling like he needs to unleash his pain by bullying someone smaller than him. And I was angry that other children's behavior had possibly affected my child's emotional health.
I thought about the world we live in and how every interaction and observation that my kids have is going to influence them for good or bad, and how few of those influences will be good.
And I felt helpless for just a moment. How can I beat out all those forces and be Cameron's lighthouse in a stormy sea? It is overwhelming.
But I know I'm not alone. My kids are all going to face things that make my skin crawl, make my heart sink and make my mind whirl, but I don't have to hold them in safety by myself. I have help. And that makes it just a little less scary.
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry! Things like that make being a parent so very hard.
Just last night, I was watching my boys play at the mall. They were slowly but surely picking up on the behaviour of the other kids there and beginning to mimic them. I suppose this is one of the ways that small children learn to act in a social environment, but I started to panic just a little bit about the type of child I wanted my kids modeling their behaviour after. It's a scary thing and a fine line. I don't know if anyone will ever really have it all figured out!
I have always said that I don't know what would be worse, finding out that my kid was being bullied or being the bully. We've had some of both, but mostly the former. I've had that feeling before of being helpless, and also of wanting to punch some little kid's lights out! (Try having him in the scout group you are the leader of... but that's a whole post in itself).
One of the things Eric and I hit upon was just what you said - to try to be a light for him. We have made extra efforts to make him feel special and complimented, and to make our house an environment of love, peace, and support. That's the only thing I could come up with that makes me feel like I have any control over the situation! Well, that and enrolling him in karate and teaching him to punch... ;)
Bethany I have been through this with alex. He is now 15 and does not really deal to much with being bullied anymore. I will be frank and tell you that Cameron is only acting out ( to the neighbor girl) because he is angry, frustrated, and confused. He does not know how to respond to the kids around him who are treating him horrible and bullying him. He is lashing out because he is being lashed upon.
It is sad. Alex would "freak out" and try to bully his siblings. It was a horrible 3 years! He was so angry. He felt helpless and out of control.
I am sure you were mortified what he had done. Cameron is a good child. 5-7 grades were the worse for us. After all the punching, tearing of clothes, and lack of help from the school I pulled out Alex and he did homeschool for 8th grade. That is not for everybody. I felt like I had to save him. No regrets.
Extracurricular activities would be good as maybe a bit of counseling (from the school counselor).
My heart aches for you. I agree with Marcy that extracurricular activities or counsleing would help. To hear from another adult that it is not right to treat others without respect. He is lashing out because he does not get the respect he deserves. You can fix his behavior, unfortunately not the other kids behavior. He will be in my prayers.
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