Say Aaahhh!

The last time I went to the dentist was when I had my wisdom teeth extracted in 2005. Yikes, I know. So it was with a fair amount of trepidation that I went to have a cleaning and exam this morning.

Usually I enjoy going to the dentist. Obviously not as much as shopping for a new pen or going for a chocolate-dipped chocolate cone at Dairy Queen, but it's always been sort of relaxing for me to sit in a chair while other people work on my mouth and I drift in and out of coherency. (That's without nitrous oxide.)

Side note: When I needed to have my wisdom teeth pulled, I went to see the dentist who's kids I used to babysit. (If any of you live close enough to visit him in Gresham, OR, it would be worth giving him your business. He's an excellent doctor with great prices, and he ain't bad to look at while you're staring straight up with your mouth pried open and drool sliding out anyway...) I knew I would be getting my first dose of "laughing gas" on that visit, but had no idea how that might make me react. I'm sure it was similar to most other's experiences. They hooked me up with the mask blowing the gas into my nose, and then left me there to inhale to my heart's desire. About three minutes later I was in a hysterical panic because I couldn't stop giggling, and I knew that Dr. Westover would be coming back any minute to yank my teeth from my skull. I had to think about something terrible.

The cost of tooth extraction.

Family reunions.

Nope, I tried to hold it in, but more giggling erupted from me.

Dead puppies.

Bill collectors.

Tried to hold in the laughing, which resulted in snorts.

Then I thought about Dr. Westover and his assistant possibly standing behind me and watching me convulse with snickers.

That embarrassed me enough to sit up straight and try to hold still. I pulled the mask away from my face, feeling relaxed enough that Dr. Westover could have come at me with a steak knife and a pair of pliers, and I would have been more than happy to "open wide".

And then I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window, sitting so rigidly and trying to keep my mouth shut, and lost it all over again.

When the doc finally came back, I was exhausted from laughing at my hysterical self and tried hard to remember not to say anything at all, or I might just divulge my darkest secrets. When my teeth were removed, I yelled, a little too loudly, "You're AMAZING!" And then I tried to figure out how long I might have been laying there because my head felt like a balloon floating a few feet above my body, weightless, and somehow filled with lead at the same time. I was struggling to keep it upright.

That one experience helped me understand the appeal of illegal drugs.

Ok, where was I? Ah, yes. Today's visit. Today I was suffering from a bout of anxiety over how much money I would have to fork out to pay for not having had my teeth checked for so long. The really stupid thing is that I've had insurance for almost four years that covers cleanings 100%. I was certain that I would be told that I had set a new world record for most amount of cavities in one mouth, and my only comfort came from the fact that I had no pain anywhere.

That was not the case two months ago. Two months ago, I had terribly sore gums in just one spot between my two back molars on the top right. They were sensitive to the touch, and bothered me when I chewed on that side. My hypochondria kicked in just a bit and I became certain that I had gum disease and all my teeth were going to fall out. I looked it all up on the internet, inspected the color of my gums in the bathroom mirror, and became a very paranoid religious flosser. I flossed every day for six weeks, and my gums were still bothering me in that one spot.

That pain is what finally convinced me to schedule a check-up. The day after I made the appointment I was walking through Wal-Mart and my gums began to bleed in that upper right side. I was a bit freaked out as the taste of blood coated my tongue. I didn't want to reach into my mouth to see if I could feel some kind of nubbin' or abscess that might be causing the bleed because I had been pushing a Wal-Mart cart, and who knows what kind of plague-ish germs are on those things? So I felt around with my tongue, and what do you know? A tiny piece of a popcorn kernel slid out of that space between my teeth where my gums were irritated. I hadn't had popcorn in about six weeks - like since my gums became sore. How disgusting is that?

Boy, was I was mad! All that daily flossing, and the kernel had just been shoved further and further up until it had set up camp where I could no longer get to it. What a sham! I know I was flossing the right way - I had watched videos of what to do and what not to do on the internet! So I quit flossing after that. I felt like I'd been tricked!

I had three cavities filled today, and was told to start flossing again, or I would have three more to deal with in no time. It's a conspiracy.