My Never-Before Declared and In Some Cases New Rules for a More Peaceful Life

I will not agree with someone just to spare their feelings or avoid confrontation. I will keep my mouth shut when I can, but if you ask how I feel - be prepared for the honest truth. I will no longer say that I think Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck are great, when I really think that, while I agree with a lot of their views, they are sometimes just alarmists and can both be a bit of a whackadoo.

I will treat everyone with the respect that they deserve.

I will not feel guilty for my opinions.

I will not attend anyone's party, get together, baptism, barbecue or public execution unless I am given ample notice of when and where, do I need to bring some Handi Wipes or just a casserole?, etc.

Anytime I am home and do not have previous engagements, I will happily host any family member or friend in my home who contributes to the joy of our household, but not those who detract from it. You come here and fight, gossip, make us feel uncomfortable or talk incessantly about politics or Volkswagens - you're out. Curse words, in the mild form, are still ok, because I have not yet mastered my tongue and can't expect more from others than I do of myself. It's the whole beam vs. moat thing. I'll let you know when all curse words are taboo, and not just the Top 4.

My home will be a safe haven for my children. They will feel safe here from all kinds of evils including verbal abuse, favoritism, and lack of appropriate and loving discipline. When my kids are punished, they will know that I do it out of love, and that nothing they ever do or don't do could make me love them any less. But I will not tolerate disobedience or less than their best. I will not put-down my children by asking them if they are retarded when they track mud all through the freshly mopped kitchen floor. Also, if anyone comes into my house and tells one of my kids over and over how cute they are while the other three shrink into holes of self-loathing from listening to it, then I will make sure to tell that person that I think all their kids are equally ugly. But I'll do it when the kids aren't within earshot, of course.

I will not listen to gossip, and will do my best each day to never speak ill of anyone. There is a difference between venting and unloading garbage. Everyone has bad days now and again and sometimes they need to call someone and say, "Can you believe what I have been though today? I am at my wit's end and was hoping you could tell me that I'll feel better after a good cry and a giant milkshake." I am happy to help in those situations. I might even stop by with a chick-flick for us to watch together. What I do not need is to hear anyone nark about how much somebody hates somebody else, how everyone in a thousand mile radius is trying to make them miserable or all the reasons why every relationship somebody has with all the important people in their life has become a giant pile of steaming manure and it's all my fault. Do, however, let me know when your dog eats his own droppings and then comes inside and horks it back up onto your white carpet and you don't know if you should kill the mutt or feel sorry for it's lack of superior intellect. I'll laugh with you, cry with you, and recommend a fantastic carpet deodorizer.

I will do one nice thing for someone every day. Even if it's just calling someone to see how they are doing, and ask if I can help them in some way. Or making my sons' beds for them, or putting an extra treat in their lunches. Or even just not e-mailing an unflattering picture of my sister to my father so that he can forward it to all of their co-workers.

When someone asks me to do something, or for something, I will tell them I'll have to think about it. It's this thinking about it part that gets me into trouble. I agree to things all the time that I haven't thought through, just because I'm afraid of looking bad or selfish. And it makes my life harder. Like when I was nineteen and told my uncle, "Sure, I'll come work for the same company that you're working for," and then found out that he had lured me into a job with a boss who was on a mission to control every aspect of her pions' lives, not just what they did while on the clock, and in which I sometimes had to employ my acting skills to pretend that I knew what I was doing, and ultimately - my uncle ditched me for another job and left me to go to lunch with the crazy woman who told me daily about how nice it is to live alone so that she can flounce around in the nude anytime she wants and that eating in such a state is somehow more enjoyable. Thanks, David. ;)

I will not hold grudges, harbor ill feelings, let someone else's opinions hurt me, or dwell on things that poison my soul. This means that if someone apologizes to me, I will accept and forget. I will try to recognize when I need to apologize and do so. I will not spend days thinking, "I should have said...", and then relish in the imagined verbal slap. I will start every day with an attitude of fresh beginnings, and yes, that probably involves Cherry Pepsi, chocolate and weight gain. But we're talking about mental and spiritual health here, not carbs and sugar.

I will remember that Family is a sacred thing. Sticking up for one another rather than tearing each other down is always going to be the appropriate thing to do.

I will not keep anything in my life that does not promote the well-being of my family or my happiness. This applies to habitually negative people, the dust bunnies under the couch and the movie, Without a Paddle. This also means that I cannot be a negative person, or I will have to abandon my family and find a homeless shelter to live in until I can find a job that requires no skills other than dish washing and sarcasm.

I will be an all around better person. I won't claim perfection - never have, but there is room for improvement. I will still offer my help anywhere I can, but now I'll try to do it without complaining about it to my mother. I will stop raising my voice to my kids, and instead, bridle my anger and wait until I'm calm before I speak. I will offer to rub my husband's back instead of waiting for him to ask and then feeling put-out because "I'm trying to unwind, Hello?!" I will no longer think that people who can't stand horror and suspense films are just wimps. I will finish reading A Tale of Two Cities, even if it kills me. I will stop writing right now and go clean my house like I meant to today.