Here It Is

Remember when you were ten and anyone over thirty seemed ancient? I remember. I never even bothered to picture myself at this age until about a month ago.

Since then I've been dreading this day more than I thought I would, just because it came so suddenly. By the time I realized it was imminent, it was just weeks away. I can now say that I've had the experience of my life flashing before my eyes. For the past several weeks, the days of my existence have run like a silent slide show through my mind and I find that most of them are sunny. I'm glad for that. But when I really think back and let the images flow slowly, I realize it's all gone so fast. And now I'm sitting at that age that I had once qualified as old.

At 4 years old I am riding in the back of a Datsun with the radio blaring some tune I will never know the name of, the sun warming my skin.

At 5 I am smelling the stale cigarette smoke on my kindergarten teacher's breath as she leans over my shoulder to help me with a problem.

6, I am standing, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

7... wind pelting my face as I fly down a dusty street on my turquoise bicycle.

8...locked in the shed with the ghost of the dead lady...

9...in the cardboard world my mother created in the basement...

10...perched on a branch of a tree with spots of sunshine dancing on my bare arms and legs...

11...standing in the rain, clouds blanketing the sky, feeling lost...

12...trying to fit in with my sister, unable to keep up...

13...sitting on top of my desk at Mt. View Middle School, staring into the face of a bully named Jared and pretending that he hadn't humiliated me...

14...finally beginning to turn into the self I recognize now, but still pretending a lot of the time...

15...sitting in a car with a boy who would never love me...

16...in a parked car on a deserted dirt road in the black night with a boy who did love me...

17...driving, always driving...

18...in front of an audience, wearing a nose ring and heavy black eyeliner, feeling people's eyes on me, hearing the laughter, and knowing that the world was mine...

19...kneeling at an alter as the sun broke through the clouds and shone in on the moment that I had waited and prayed for through four years....

20...the last bit of freedom and sleeping in on weekends...

21...so tired, but happy and in love...

22...unintentionally invading someone else's home and depressed beyond measure...

23...sitting on the floor with two boys who might love each other more than they love me...

24...surrounded by paper, feeling like it all just goes in circles, migraines and bills...

25...everyone is growing up - kindergarten and promotions and landing at a quarter of a century...

26...being torn in a hundred different directions, but feeling tighter than ever...

27...getting stronger and feeling more seasoned in my roles...

28...more happiness and trying to remember what it felt like to not be tired...

29...discovering that I am still growing into myself and that creating my own happiness is a lot simpler than I ever realized, maybe because I know myself better than I ever have...

30... I don't know. But it will be fun to find out.