I'm sure they're all nice, normal people. Just like me.

I was browsing through a magazine of local ads that comes in my mail every month or so, and I stumbled upon this picture which was part of an advertisement for a hair salon. It was really painful to have all the coke I was trying to swallow shoot through my nose.

My first instinct was to ridicule them relentlessly for the insane way that they had intentionally styled their hair. Who in their right mind would willingly let one of these women get anywhere near their hair with a pair of scissors or a bowl of color and a fist full of foil?

And then I remembered that I am trying to be a nice person who never speaks ill of anyone. So I decided to give each of them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe each woman had a completely logical reason to be sporting the do's that they are so proudly showing off? I bet I can figure out just what they are, too.

The woman front row, center, "Brenda", is smirking slightly because last week, the girl in the back with the black and white hair, ("Jazzmin") talked her into getting a Brazilian Wax, and as pay-back, she decided not to tell "Jazzmin" which day the photographer would be coming in to take the company picture. "Brenda" is usually a very kind person, but a Brazilian wax is not to go unpunished.

"Jazzmin" slept on her left side all night, having used an entire bottle of hair glue as well as a hefty amount of colored hairspray the evening before as part of her skunk costume in a performance of Peter Pan, where she played one of the Lost Boys. She crashed into bed when she got home without washing her hair or setting her alarm. She woke up the next morning ten minutes after she was supposed to leave for work at the salon, and rushed out the door without so much as a glance in the mirror. Had she known that it was picture day, she would have taken the time to shower the glue and colored hairspray from her locks before heading to work, even though she would have been late. She is now plotting her revenge on "Brenda" sitting so smugly in the center of the picture with her almost completely normal hair. The thought of getting even is the only reason she can muster up a smile as the photographer snaps the photo that "Jazzmin" knows will be seen in the homes of 2,500 Utahans.

Girl on the right, middle row, we'll call her "Val", is just really confused right now and doesn't know why there are bright flashes of light coming at her. She's very glad that the nice man standing near all that strange looking equipment keeps telling her to "Smile!" It reminds her that everything will be okay. Being as lost and confused as she is, one cannot expect her to know what is going on on the back of her head.

There was a lot of chaos going on at the salon on the day of the photo shoot, and someone carelessly left their blow dryer's cord trailing across the floor. "Daisy", (front row, left), was running to the bathroom to check her make-up when she tripped on that cord, flew through the air, and somehow hit both sides of her head on the reception desk. She landed with such force that the oak desk was cracked and her hair, which is normally all one color, began to turn red, almost like a bruise! The sides of her skull also began to form giant goose-eggs, giving the impression that her head actually has corners. She's hoping that the effects will last long enough for the medical field to determine if she is the only person in the world with hair capable of changing color after traumatic impact. If she is, in fact, unique, she may be able to land a spot on Oprah with Dr. Oz telling her why she is so special. "Daisy" always manages to see the bright side of life.

"Erica", (middle row, left), was simply so scared when "Daisy" took her little spill, that her hair stood right up on end, and no matter how hard she tried, she could not tease it back down to it's normal position before the photographer arrived. She's very relieved that "Daisy" is alright, as it was her blow dryer that caused the accident, and she didn't want to get sued or fired.

And finally, "Shawn", (front row, right), has a very inspiring story. Ten years ago she was sixteen and in the midst of her rebellious years. She happened to be at a party one night, when excited shouts carried over the blaring ACDC, and she found that she was the cause of all the commotion. "I can see!" cried a young man standing with his hand in a chip bowl, looking vaguely in her direction. "I can see something! What is it?" As it turned out, this boy eating chips was blind, had been since birth, and had never seen anything - not even color - in his entire life. But that night at the party, he caught his first and only glimpse into what the rest of us see every day. He saw the "Vicious Rose" color that "Shawn" had dyed her hair. It was so bright, and so unnatural, that it somehow registered in his broken eyes' color-detecting cones. It was a genuine miracle! "Shawn" had been his color in the darkness, and they were never apart again. It really was love at first sight. As the years went by, "Shawn" moved on from her rock n' roll and chains phase, but her hair remained the only thing that her love could see, and so she really couldn't change it, could she?

I admit defeat. I failed in my attempt to be kind today. I simply couldn't help myself, so let the hate mail flow freely! I just really, really hope that the girl in the back is actually a nail tech or a masseuse and never actually touches anyone's head.